Many of the life coaches I follow talks about the danger of "walking on egg shells" in relationships and in other parts of life. So, what do the mean? It means not sharing your inner thoughts and feelings in fear of what the reaction your partner will give you. I have had alot of problems with this in the past and til this day I still have moments when I catch myseld doing exactely this. Usually if things are not going so great or if there has been arguments. Then I kind of fall back in bad habits of not wanting to share. Anyone recognize themselves?

 

 

 

So what to do, What I have learned and experienced works best is tools that I use as support getting through it.

 

 

 

- Be honest with yourself and sort out what you are feeling. I usually do a process were I scan my body, in and out. If close my eyes and let go of all the emotions. I just let it rush trough me without holding on. After a while it calms down a bit.

 

 

 

When I feel bad it is usually because I am trying to push the feelings away without listening to them. After I feel it calms down inside me I name my feeling. anger, sadness, etc.. after that I go deeper to see were it is really coming from. Why am I feeling this. The cool thing is that sometimes I realize that what I am feeling has nothing to do with the person. Instead I see that the feelings is coming from something else, another part of my life, something that happend long time ago that of some reason came up to the surface. This is great casue then I can actully work on getting over what. This is also something good to share with the other person, were you can tell them that you realized that your feelings did not have anything to do with the person but something that happend before in another relationship or situation and what now happend triggered it.

 

 

 

Why I think this is great is because everytime things are brought up to the surface that´s been lying inside you bothering you (without you even knowing), it means you can work trough it and let it go.

 

 

 

- When you are feeling something that upsets you or anything you feel you want to share, find a way to process your feelings so when you are ready to share, you will come from a place were you SHARE your feelings and not express FROM your feelings. The difference as I have experienced is that when I share my feelings I usually always get a good responce. When I share from my feelings I usually coming from a bad place (upset,angry) and that usually ends with a bad reaction from the other person and after that, either it starts a argument or we both walk away feeling bad. This is a very important step, a step I need to remind myself of, and in the end it is such a big help.

 

 

 

- When you share, share that ONE thing that you need to express. When you are done sharing, STOP! I realized how often when I started expressing emotions I fell into a barrel of things I had saved up and by the end I had bombed the other person with 10-100 things that made me upset. Why I have so many things to share is becuase I did not share in the first place and it started buildning up. That´s why it´s important to listen to yourself, even if the thing feels tiny, Casue in the end it might grow big. Sharing 10-100 things is not a good way of sharing cause it leads to overwhelm and I don´t believe nobody wants to get that many things at them, and it problaly leeds to that that person feel it´s all their fault. By the end the person and you have probably forgot the reason why you shared in the first place and the risk of hurt and arguments is high.

 

 

 

- From sharing one thing, stop, and after that let go of everything. What the person repsonce is is not your bussiness and you have to let that person answer from his or her point of view. Also, if that person needs time to think about, please give the person time because this might be something completely new to the person and we are all different and process feelings and thoughts differently. - Another important step is that if it is a big thing that needs to be discussed. Ask the other person if now or whenever is good works for that person. This will make it easier for both of you cause then both can prepare to discuss whatever the issue is.

 

 

 

- When you share, never and I mean never, accuse the other person for doing things wrong or making you feel things. Even if it is that you feel hurt by the person and you feel that it is the persons fault it´s not a healthy way of sharing. I learned something very important and that is "nobyody can make you feel anything, what you feel is your feelings. Nobody can make you feel stuff, they can do things at you but it really is your choice how to feel about it. So what I am trying to say is when you are sharing your feelings. you might say; I feel hurt when that happend" instead of; you hurt me when you did that. It might sounds weird but I have notices such a big difference cause instead of the defensive answers I always got when I did the "you" thing, I got such a understanding responce and after it felt so great sharing my feelings!

 

 

 

There are other tools and things that helps me concerning this topic that I will share later.

 

 

 

Love,

J